Funny "Toasts" (3)

Hey, here comes the last of my funny "toasts". I could go on and on but let me stop here.


Fifty Shades of Grey


There was a guy that came to visit a friend of mine(who is also a guy) when I was in school. Short, dark and handsome, and he knows it. My friend had warned me about this guy’s epic escapades with girls and I told him he was exaggerating. I talked with the guy once after we were introduced and I forgot about it.




Few days later, as I was walking to my hostel at night, we bumped into each other and we were like "hey! Cool to see you again", with the usual show of teeth. I noticed he looked better than the last time I saw him, he noticed I looked better too. Then the “toasting" began.


Guy; hey, hope you’re not in a hurry?

Me; nope. Just went out for a stroll

Guy; ok, so can I ask you a question?

Me; you just did. Ask the next one

Guy; (laughs softly) you’re funny. Anyway, please don’t be annoyed, do you have a guy? I mean a boyfriend?

Me; yes( It just came out in reflex, I was as single as one)

Guy; ok. But do you know something?

Me; what?

Guy; between being in a relationship and not being in a relationship there are many many shades of grey.

Me; wow that’s interesting. Tell me more.

Guy; (in salesman mode) well, you see one of the shades of grey is having a close friend as a guy, another is having a guy by the side, another is having a guy who comforts you when you need it and so on.

Me; really?

Guy; yeah, so the thing is, I want to be your deepest shade of grey (looking into my eyes earnestly, maybe he thought it was a sexy thing to do)

Me; (laughing so hard) so, wait…you want me to double date

Guy; I wouldn’t put it that way, but you know, I can make your grey colourful.


I could not help but lead Mr Grey on, so I stood with him for a while more just to laugh and laugh at his responses which he thought were the coolest ever.


Hausa Teacher


I needed something from the market, so that morning, I had a quick shower and stepped out without bothering to cream not to talk of making up.
After I got what I needed, I stood by the roadside waiting for a taxi. One pulled up but was not going to my stop. The next came, I boarded and a man got in beside me.


 Then he leaned towards me with a shark grin,


Man; hello, are you Hausa?

Me; (suddenly aware of his existence) no.

Man; oh, you look so much like an Hausa, tall, slim and beautiful.

Me; thank you sir (the sir to remind him of his age, but I guess he wants to be forever young)

Man; don’t call me sir, call me…(forgot his name). do you speak Hausa?

Me; (amused) no

Man; (eyes lightening up ) well you must learn how to speak. Give me your phone number so I can call you to teach you everyday.

Me; I am sorry but I just lost my phone.

Man; oh, that’s no problem, I will get you one small Techno, you just retrieve your number.

Me; (shocked at his shamelessness) Techno?

Man; yes, I know it’s expensive but I can handle it. See, here’s my card, I have branches in up to three states. So you can see, it’s nothing. Don’t worry, if you learn very well, there is more to come.

Me; driver, please stop. I’m getting down here.


Stupid, stingy man! So stingy he even cut the size of his card into the smallest possible size.


(Hausa ko, mola ni)