Snitches

According to a survey conducted by Mariam etal (everybody is conducting one nowadays so why not me?) over the period of 16 years, the conclusion has been drawn that the age group most susceptible to the act of snitching are the 2-8 years and the 70 and above, basically, the kids and the elderly.


Damn! I should start my PhD, I am already writing like a professor. Back to the matter, you will agree with me that kids or your grandmas and pas are expert snitches. In other words, if you have not been snitched upon by either, you ain’t living.
           
I have got several examples, the latest of which happened yesterday. As at yesterday morning I was still at my elder sister’s place. She has been drumming it into my skull that she is broke and the Milo and Peak that is left is strictly for her two kids; a 5year old and a 2 year old. I kept saying “oh dear, things will get better” with the appropriate sympathetic expression, then I go ahead every chance I get when she is relaxing in her room with the kids to have a taste of tea in the kitchen (note the phrase “have a taste” not “drink”). After all, I need it to get fat.
           
So yesterday morning, she was in the room and I grabbed the opportunity to have a sip of the forbidden tea. As I was sipping, I heard
             
“Aunty Mariam, what are you drinking?” in that squeaky voice that belongs to busy body 5year olds when they are curious.
               
I choked, the tea spilling out of my nose and mouth, “You’re drinking TEA!” his voice a notch higher with each word. I quickly recovered like an expert.

“hey, heey” I crooned,” it’s not your tea, any way do you want some?” trying to make him an accomplice.
                 
“Yes, I want!” he quipped, jumping with excitement.
               
“Ok, but if you drink it you don’t have to go and tell you know, because your sister will want some and I want to give you everything. I devilishly persuaded.
             
“ok” he promptly said and went ahead to take a sip.
               
 " Hmmn, its sweet more than the one mommy makes for us” he observed.
               
“Quickly drink it now” I pressed and he DRANK IT ALL. I made a huge mistake though, I did not tell him not to tell his mom.
           
 So when he finished and I cleaned up he skipped to his mom’s room, after checking to see his sister was not there, he shouted,
             
“Mommy, aunty mariam made tea and it was sweet, veeery thick and milky!”
               
 I need not tell what happened after. All I can say is that I am currently in my father’s house.
             
 Now, the elderly snitches are more calculated and mean...oh you have no idea how mean. Take for instance when my sisters were still kids. They have been told repeatedly not to throw sticks at the neighbors’ mango tree because of the glass windows of his house, but that particular day, the temptation of seeing smooth, yellow and fresh mangoes on the tree without any attending hungry belly around was too much. They decided to pick some. Unfortunately, grandma caught them and called them to order. They thought the whole business is done with but alas! A terrible pain awaits them.
               The next morning, after the early morning prayers, grandma began,
            “Good morning” in the serious voce you use when you are at an interview. Everybody answered. She continued, addressing my dad,
               “You know that children will always be children, but there are times when their childishness has to be controlled. Yesterday, my dear grandchildren, after eating a hefty meal of eba in the afternoon, decided to go and steal some mangoes from our neighbor. While they were doing so, the stones they were throwing kept hitting the poor man’s window until two broke, by the time he came out to shout at them they had run away all the while screaming and disturbing the whole
neighborhood. I have cautioned them but what can my feeble bones do?” Tendering her withered hands as evidence,
               “they need stronger scolding, so I want you to give each of them just twelve strokes each. Good morning” .(take note of the words "dear grandchildren","hefty meal","steal","disturbing","feeble",and the coup de tat,"just twelve strokes". If that is not devilish,then it means you practice witchcraft)
           My sisters were already a mess of tears and sweat before she finished but that did not deter dad from trying out the strength of his arms on their backsides and the rest of their bodies…I need not tell you that there is no love lost between my grandma and my sisters till today.
              Take note; snitches never ever ever want to be snitched upon. They will beg, threaten and most times blackmail you so that you will not tell on them. Believe me, they have a whole lot of incriminating information against you.
 And, make this a rule, never ever commit a sin in the presence of a kid or elderly even when you are
sure they are asleep! Believe me,they are kerosine,they neva sleep.