Things That Make Me Want To Commit Murder

Normally, I am a gentle, easy going person by nature. But we all know we have our dark sides and we have things that trigger them.
There are some things that just make me want to commit murder, like;

Mr Nose Hair, Mr Comb and Miss Make-Up

Monday morning in lagos as usual, is as crazy as it can get. This particular Monday, I had to push, pinch and shove my way to board the “molue” (bus) going to Ikeja. It’s a practical example of the survival of the fittest if you ever need one.

Girls, spare us please. (Guest Post)

What is it with girls these days and (bizarre) artificial eyebrows? I find their sudden fascination with it disturbing. It would be extremely tasking to find the sense in shaving off your natural eyebrows and painting one on.

When Shit Begins Your Day... (Guest Post)

Have you ever had a day so bad you wish you would just wake up from it and find out it’s a nightmare? well, here is one of mine.

You Change First!

Today, as I was typing on my laptop, I heard shouts outside

APC! CHANGE!

EIPISIIIIII! SHANGE!

OMG! My Lashes!

Doctors can be a pain in the ass, literally. It is like they can’t even feel your pain when they are shoving needles in you or probing wherever on your body.

His Wierd Tastes...And Acts...

When the bike man stopped in front of the house, I was shocked. The first thought that came to my mind was that maybe my dad’s house has been moved, then reason kicked in and I was like it can not be.

Let's Clear Sambisa!

Really, I do not know why some people decide to keep armpit hair (when they would not keep it clean!). It is exceedingly disgusting, irritating… just plain “piggishness”!

You would see a fine girl and admire her, but just get close to her and let her hug you; full body hug. The next thing you will feel under her armpit is hotness, slime and greyish brown hair.

Change Or Continuity (Guest Post)

Across the world, the only time the young, the old and the youthful; the rich, the middle-class and the poor; the working-class, the self-employed and the jobless; the clerics, belivers, sinners, atheists and the saints; the singles, ’’the marrieds’’ and ‘’the complicateds’’; the intelligent, the average and ‘’the not too intelligent’’; the very good looking, the good looking and the not too good looking gather for one purpose is during THE ELECTION.

It Is Time

There comes a time


When we hear the sudden call


When the world must come together as one…


You remember that song? The Micheal Jackson’s Haiti song.


It seems that time has come for Nigeria again. For the first time in a long while we have come together to exercise our power and decide who would be our chosen one. Yes, people are not sitting back this time; they are taking charge with their Permanent Voter’s Cards (PVCs). Nobody is saying “shebi they will rig it nooni” with the accompanying tone of defeat. No, this time people are leaving their sick beds to vote!

Re: Funny Toasts (Guest Post)

This is in response to your funny toasts. I had one recently and I wanted to share it. It was a funny toast quite alright but I was the clown. In case you are still wondering, I am the guy.

It happened on a sunny Friday. One of those days you just wake up feeling energized. I quickly shovelled down the left over beans that was in the kitchen and bounced out of the house to conquer the day. At about 12pm, I decided to go for a break. I was feeling adventurous so I walked in to the cafeteria near my office to scout for a nice babe, a beautiful, dark one with firm flesh in the right places. Not those light skinny ones that remind me of okporoko fish used for my native delicacies.

Say What YouThink

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Can you imagine what it would be like if everybody says what they think? Imagine the freedom!


Lets say you can tell your landlord “go to hell! Are you the only one with a house? This yeye house that I am even managing to stay in! You come dey form boss on top” Then hiss and walk away.

Glo WTH?!

I have been using Glo network since secondary school, it is my first line. I used to think we are destined together because each time I buy another line, it either gets lost, stolen or broken with my little nephew's teeth as was the case with my first Mtn line.


 So I decided to keep calm and stick with Glo. Ah! But Glo made me suffer! Is it the stealing of my airtime I want to talk about, or the yeye credit promo that was just for decoration when I check my account balance, or the night calls I have to suffer through just to talk with one of their customer care representatives?

Funny "Toasts" (3)

Hey, here comes the last of my funny "toasts". I could go on and on but let me stop here.


Fifty Shades of Grey


There was a guy that came to visit a friend of mine(who is also a guy) when I was in school. Short, dark and handsome, and he knows it. My friend had warned me about this guy’s epic escapades with girls and I told him he was exaggerating. I talked with the guy once after we were introduced and I forgot about it.

Funny "Toasts" (2)

Adultery Activist


I was going for a meeting and was walking along the street in a hurry, moving in tune with the beat of the music I was listening to through my earpiece, feeling myself and imagining I am acting out a music video. Then I saw this man who looked like Clifford Orji (still remember him? No? go google it) walking towards me.

Funny "Toasts"

One of the sayings I try to abide with is “make no excuses, just apologize”. So please accept my humble apologies for not posting any article for the past two weeks. I hope this makes up for my lapse.

Gone were the days of pimple-scarred face boys and libido-driven guys calling girls “psst, heis! Psssst!” on the streets…or so I thought. I believed that style of “toasting” was long gone (like a wannabe girl I know used to say “this is the twenty first century, duh!”).

Admission "Wahala" (BV post)

Another BV post.....sent on Friday.



I had a typical school day today. Woke up 6.am, got to class 8.am, and then lecture, lecture and more lectures. A boring, stressful day. It’s funny seeing how comfortable I am living the “school life”. Hardly would you believe, if I told you I’ve almost packed my bags and said “to hell with you” about schooling.

It's Not What You Think!

This is a fiction but it is too good not to post. Besides it is my first Blog Visitor post! I love  you BVs!


“ Aaaaaaah!” I screamed.

Aren't We Hypocrites?

When I was a kid, I had said to my sisters “I am never ever going to get married!” with such convinction that they were startled. I was quickly shushed with a curt “God forbid! Shut up your mouth!”. The reason why I had that fear of marriage then was because I had witnessed the slightly, and sometimes not so slight condescending way my father relates to my mother. Then I heard stories of other marriages from my sisters, gossiping away with teenage enthusiasim, unaware of the sharp young ears that quickly record just to digest the information gathered later.

Travelling to Lagos without preparing for any unforeseen happening is one of the biggest mistakes ever. That is what I did a few months back and it was an experience I wish never to repeat.

Fat Quest Gone Bad

“Aunty mariam, why is your tummy so flat like that of a cartoon person? Are you not a person?why is your hand so thin?”

My firsts

Fried rice

The first time I saw fried rice, I was around seven years. It was at a celebration at my mum’s school where she was a vice-principal then. A feared and respected one. So naturally I was treated with caution and attention was paid to what I was given to eat by the teacher assigned to take care of me by my mum.

Family my foot! (2)

 The day THE SHREW crossed the threshold of love to hate in my heart, I was looking for a memory card to use urgently, nobody was home that I could ask and my wicked brother has beaten it into me not to touch his things. So I was left with the option of searching THE SHREW's wardrobe. Remember, I was desperate, it is not as if I want to snoop deliberately.

Family My Foot!

Whoever said that blood is thicker than water never had my cousin as part of his family. She is the devil’s incarnate. She taught me, no, she reinforced my belief in the saying that there is a thin line between love and hate. I was home for one of my holidays away from school and I met her at home. She said she came to spend some of her holidays with us, she was a secondary school student then. We all loved her and since I am the last born, I took her as my younger sister. Her name is Yasmin, but for this post, I am going to refer to her henceforth as THE SHREW.

Remember... you imp.

 There was a time when we were carefree, when all we had to worry about was whether we will be spanked for taking sweet from one “uncle”, or whether mum will know again that we have been playing when she went out (many have labeled their mum witches for that). Remember when you were the perfect imp, when as a kid;

The specie called "ITK"

ITKs, popularly known as I Too Knows, are a specie of human beings who are characterized by the excessive urge to spill out their brains through their mouths and in the process, develop a stutter, often spraying all human and non-human beings with acidic spittle.

Snitches

According to a survey conducted by Mariam etal (everybody is conducting one nowadays so why not me?) over the period of 16 years, the conclusion has been drawn that the age group most susceptible to the act of snitching are the 2-8 years and the 70 and above, basically, the kids and the elderly.

Taking the Breath Away

 When romantics hear phrases like, “he’s breathtaking”, she took his breath away”…, they go like “awwww!” and have this expression that Tom has when he falls in love in Tom and Jerry, you remember right? But those who are not will be like “oh puhlease!”.