Funny "Toasts" (2)

Adultery Activist


I was going for a meeting and was walking along the street in a hurry, moving in tune with the beat of the music I was listening to through my earpiece, feeling myself and imagining I am acting out a music video. Then I saw this man who looked like Clifford Orji (still remember him? No? go google it) walking towards me.




Suddenly, I felt the urgent need to look around me to see if there is anyone else on the road. Nobody. Then I remembered I did not pray before leaving the house. I started an emergency praying session all the while trying my best not to look scared of the man getting closer by the minute.


When he got close, he stopped me with “good morning, please I want to talk to you”. At that moment I saw a woman and two kids coming, so I relaxed.


Me; good morning,I’m sorry I’m in a hurry.

Clifford; I know, it’s just a minute.


(notice the good spoken English?)


Me; talk (still walking and keeping a sensible distance in case I need to fly, not run)

Clifford; my name is Ato, and I like you. You look like an angel. Are you single?

Me; (with motherly smile) no, I am getting married this Saturday.

Clifford; that’s nothing, is your husband here?

Me; yes, he stays in town.

Clifford;well, we can be doing our stuff in the village here while he’s in town. You know, a man shouldn’t be selfish with an angel like you. I need to come to your heaven.

Me; (grins to show I am game, because his eyes are developing that look a crazy man has when he is about to do his thing. Any form of aggression from me might trigger the beast within him). Wow, that’s a good idea, I will think about it. See you tomorrow!


By this time we were at a semi-busy junction.


Clifford; think very well please my angel. I wil wait for you tomorrow!


Never did I ever pass through that street again.


Next...


Infrared Eyes


This happened at night. I was still a secondary school student. Mum had sent me on an errand. As I was walking along the street I heard the usual “pssst! Pssst”. It was the kind of thing that teenage girls hope will happen to them so they can get something to gist about at school the next morning. So, I was quick to answer, but I tempered my eagerness with style.


Boy; (catches up with me) hey, I’ve been calling you and you pretended as if you can’t hear me.

Me ; I heard, but you could have been calling any other person.

Boy; how could I? my eyes are only for you. You are like the morning rose flower.

Me; (blushing furiously under the cover of darkness)what do you want.

Boy (rubs hands together like mehn! This is jackpot!)well, you see, as I saw you, I was struck by your beauty.. .

Me ;(wakes up from flattery land sharply), you saw my face?!

Boy; (thinking I was excited, adds more “fuel”), yes as I saw your striking face, as in your face captured my total attention.. .

Me; (with a sarcastic tone) so you can see my face in this pitch darkness?

Boy;( so dumb he could not even detect his game was up) yes, so I...

Me (rudely and bitterly) so you have infrared in your eyes or your own eyes are made of night vision lenses abi? That you can see my face this night ehn? Mmmtcheeww!

Boy; (shocked and scrambling to do damage control) b-but baby wait now.. .

Me; (stomps away, cursing my tongue for not being able to hiss properly.)


Next, coming up in the next post.


Kisses.