Funny "Toasts"

One of the sayings I try to abide with is “make no excuses, just apologize”. So please accept my humble apologies for not posting any article for the past two weeks. I hope this makes up for my lapse.

Gone were the days of pimple-scarred face boys and libido-driven guys calling girls “psst, heis! Psssst!” on the streets…or so I thought. I believed that style of “toasting” was long gone (like a wannabe girl I know used to say “this is the twenty first century, duh!”).




But hey, seems the elements of our grand fathers’ method of wooing ladies have come to stay. To really get the funny “ toastings” I have experienced, I am going to write it dialogue form.


Warri Swag


I was walking down the street with a guy who is my friend and he was doing the most annoying thing ever ; chatting on his phone while we were talking. So before I could put into action my thought of strangling him, I left him and walked ahead.


As I was walking, I suddenly heard;


Boy; baby, hey baby…

Me; (pretended not to have heard)

Boy; (walks up to my side) hey baby, hai haf been calling you, you don’t hear. What’s up now?

Me;( in queen’s English) oh, hi. I’m sorry, I had no idea.

Boy; no probs (grinning like the burnt head of a he-goat), no probs at all. Er, you see babe, do you know you’re very biuriful?

Me; oh thanks. I know I am beautiful (with straight face)

Boy; oh das good, das good. I like that you know you’re biuriful. Erm, babe let me introduce myself.

Me; go ahead

Boy; see, I do not live around here (flex muscles and rubs chin) I came from Warri. You see, I just come here com do some quick things. My name is Steven, but my very good friends been dey call me Stevo. Erm, baby, you see, I want make we become friends, veery good friends.


(did you notice how he murdered English?)


Me ; ok, go on…

Boy; (with more enthusiasm) so, was ur name?

Me; Mariam

Boy; oooh! Dats a biuriful name for a biuriful girl! (laughs like a drunk witch, guess he thought that was a good joke). So can I call you Mary?


By now we were at the gate of the compound where I stay.


Me; you can call me anything you want. But goodnight er.. Steven.

Boy; call me Stevo. Do you live alone?

Me;( smiles) no, I live with my uncle, he is a retired soldier. We just moved.

Boy; (his grin wobbles a little, then spread again)ah, das gud. Anyway, Mary, are you virgin Mary?

Me; ( laughed and laughed till I fell.)


I need not tell you more.


Hey, I will have to continue this in the next post. Hope you share your funny toast experience(s) here.


Kisses.