It's Not What You Think!

This is a fiction but it is too good not to post. Besides it is my first Blog Visitor post! I love  you BVs!


“ Aaaaaaah!” I screamed.



“ kini yen?! What? What is it?” shouted my big sister’s husband from the sitting-room.


“Help!” I shouted again. “Oh my God, oh my God!” I was hyperventilating.


“What is it now?” he asked again with a trace of irritation in his voice. “Where are you?”


“Oh my God, I’m here, in the bathroom…” I managed to choke out.


“What?!” he snapped, he’d reached the door, “what is happening?”


“Open the door!”


“What?!”


“Open…open it, oh God!”
           

What would the poor man think? Of course that I wanted to seduce him, but the truth is, as I poured water on my head to rinse off the soap lather on my body and face, I had “poured” a snake together with the water! Guess it came in through the drainage and fell into my bathwater and unfortunately for me my eyes were closed tight to prevent the lather from entering.


 When I felt something I slimy and “ropey” on my neck my first instinct was to open my eyes, which I did. I managed to catch a glimpse of the horrible tiny green head before my eyes were painfully and remorselessly stung by the lather…it was like pepper on an open wound.
     

Right now, it was slithering and struggling around my soapy neck. I couldn’t look, I closed my eyes and “opened my vocal chords”
     

“It’s a snake!”


“What?!”


“On my body!”


“What?!” oh man, if he says that again, I’m going to faint.


“Open the freaking door!” I shouted. Then there he was in the bathroom,


“Where, where?”


“Oh my God”


“Where?!” I guess he’s shielding he’s eyes from my nude body, but need I say that now’s not the time to follow the saying “...and shield thy eyes …?”


“On me!” I screamed in frustration and fear “on my neck!”


 “ Oh God!” he gasped.
       

By this time, the thing’s on my back, God! I felt like dying. I jumped and the water splashed on him, but the snake was off me now on the floor slithering quickly across the bathroom. I was shaking terribly. I managed to open my eyes and saw him trying to go after it. That’s when I heard,


“ Ekuule oo!” my sister’s back! “where’s everybody?”
     

  I was just coming out of shock, I wasn’t thinking clearly, so I answered,


“In the bathroom”.
       

 That’s when the husband slipped and tried to hold me to steady himself. One hand fell on my slippery hip, the other with the broom was on the wall. My darling sister, at that very moment, reached the doorway, looking office-chic with suitcase in hand,


“What…” she began, then froze when she saw the scene.


Mind you, that silly, home wrecking, devilish snake finally found its way out the drainage at that time. Talk about perfect timing. So, no snake, husband and sister in the bathroom, wet. What would the poor woman think? Then her husband said the words you hope never to hear from your spouse,


 “Honey, it’s not what you think!”


Yeah right, it’s not.


“Oh my God!” she gasped in shock, suitcase dropping to the floor. God must be really tired of us calling by now. I imagined he’ll be like “what what what what!”


“Honey…” my brother-in-law, currently brother-in-law-in-trouble, called, uncertain and bewildered.


“Oh God” cried my sister, falling against the wall.


“It’s not..” started her husband, his hands spreading in explanation like the condemned in the dock pleading “your Honor, have mercy!”


“If you say that one more time” she cut in, jumping to her feet and pointing at us. We were still together in the bathroom,


“I’m going to…to…” No verb. Then to me,


“and you! You, oh God! Consider yourself dead, o ti ku!”, then she stormed  out.


“Darn it!” I thought, “there’s no known procedure to get out of this”.

To the husband I said “I’m sorry”


He looked at me with such venom and rage that I closed my eyes waiting for a blow. He said through clenched teeth,


“get dressed and get out”.

Talk about bullet words… I was more than ready to oblige.